September Pixie

I would say that it’s every parents nightmare to outlive their children and it’s every child’s nightmare to lose their parents. These days we have so many things that rob us of precious time and one thing about humanity that is certain and that is one day we will all die, hopefully later rather than sooner, but none of us will get out of this battle alive.

When I lost my dad it took me a long time to really be able to talk about him without crying or at the very least trying to fight back the tears. I don’t think you ever get over losing a parent and I am sure you never get over losing a child.. but I can say that every day that comes it gets a little easier to get through but that doesn’t mean the hole is filled. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my dad or wish I could call him up and just shoot the breeze.

I used to hate to watch television after he died because I would constantly see something that reminded me of him.. little girls standing on their dads feet and dancing, fathers hugging their daughters, songs, movies, weddings, funerals, sports games, food, holidays, every thing reminded me of him. It took me 2 years to realize that I shouldn’t feel pain when I see these things because every little thing that reminds me of him is a little piece of him still alive… alive in me.. in my family.

No, I still cry from time to time.. I’ve decided that trying not to is pointless because the tears come anyway.. but my dad wouldn’t want that.. in fact he’s told me “Baby don’t cry” more times than I can count.. no, I will never stop hurting but it’s getting easier to smile when I see and hear things that remind me of my dad… the most is hockey and music… those are two things we shared… they were special to us… something that was just his and mine.. something that connected us and in a way it still does.

I’ve realized that I am all my dad has left to carry on for him.. for myself, for my family, and some day.. for my children. He didn’t want to leave us.. and with the types of cancer he had, its amazing he lived 4yrs with it.. he was a fighter.. he beat alcoholism, divorce, he was a single parent, and he was extremely giving and kind.. very laid back and down to earth.. and I don’t think there was a single person he met that didn’t love him. I made a single vow to him as I watched his casket be lowered into the ground… and that was to just keep breathing and carry on..

So Daddy… this is me carrying on remembering how amazing you were, how blessed I am to be your daughter, and just how very much I miss you.

All my love,
Your Daughter.